Useful Self-Talk

Just be positive. Think happy thoughts. See the world as half full. Ever get annoyed when someone gives you that advice? I know I do. Thinking positively often seems half-baked, especially when we are facing a daunting challenge. But even beyond that, we are not wired to be positive all of the time. In fact, if we think positively in all situations, we may not protect ourselves from threats that could endanger our safety. It is why humans are fortunate to have a gift that other animals don’t; we have the ability to think about the future and the past in profoundly strategic ways. Thinking about the future allows us to think about the worst possible outcome and avoid potential pitfalls. Thinking about the past allows us to learn from the negativity that came with our mistakes. Yet, with those gifts also come downsides--future and past thinking is where depression and anxiety typically live. That’s why I believe the goal shouldn’t be to think positively, but instead to think usefully.

Useful self-talk is more powerful than positive self-talk because when one speaks usefully, they are stepping into truth rather than forcing potential false positivity. False positivity, or even worse, toxic positivity, can be ineffective at best and cause real harm at worst. Can useful self-talk be positive? Sure, but so can negative self-talk. The assumption that being positive is what you need is where people go awry. It doesn’t take into account what can be learned from negativity, and negative thoughts can often be extremely useful. For example, a thought like, “I was not as prepared as I should have been”, can help us be more prepared next time. Negative self-talk can help us grow; after-all, pain can often be the greatest source for behavioral change.

We are meant to feel all of our emotions, even the ones often seen as negative: anger, sadness, frustration, etc. If we live long enough, we will surely experience all of the negativity that life has to offer. None of us are immune. The goal shouldn’t be to shut out negativity. I’d even argue it’s impossible. Instead, it’s essential that we become aware of the voices in our head and the feelings in our body. Create a relationship with yourself. Learn how to use an internal filter of what’s useful and what is not. Create systems and mechanisms to learn what you need and when you need it. Forget about positivity and negativity. When you do, you’ll be more useful for yourself and others.