10 Lessons From Parenting
Life is about transitions. Graduation. First job. Marriage. But no transition has been as game-changing for me as becoming a parent. The transition is ripe with challenges and is loaded with life lessons that can unlock our wisdom.
Here are 10 lessons I have learned from the past 7 ½ years of parenting.
Curiosity is innate.
Ever spend time with a 5-year-old? They are sure to put you on the hot seat. We are born with curiosity. Think about it: curiosity is a survival tool. Asking questions is how we detect safety from threats. As we begin to age, we create the false premise that we have learned what we need to know about safety and threats, and instead of continuing to explore with curiosity we often exploit the knowledge that we have gleaned. Being around my kids has taught me to embrace the curiosity of a 5-year-old. It’s led to massive growth.
Patience is emotional.
There’s no question that a big part of parenting is patience. I think I knew that before I had kids, but what I wasn’t as aware of was how emotional the act of patience is. With my kids, my lack of patience usually stems from a physiological (somatic) response rather than a mental (cognitive) one. Emotions like anger and frustration drive my impatience. Learning to manage those emotions with my kids remains a challenge, but at least understanding where my impatience lives is a start.
Sleep, diet, and exercise are essential, AND we can operate in bursts without them.
Sleep, diet, and exercise were never smooth sailing for me, but adding children to the mix has made tackling them even harder. The science of all three and their impact on our health is robust. Prioritizing them with more discipline has become essential. Having said that, I have been amazed by my ability to still function while not optimizing all three. It’s not ideal, but in short bursts, I can be highly effective even when I am not at my best. Parenting is much more about executing when we are not at our best rather than executing when we are at our best.
Presence and lack thereof are obvious
Phones and technology have changed parenting. Our kids are watching. We have these small devices that are on us all day. They are addictive. While I certainly find my children to be entertaining and interesting, it’s hard for them to compete with the curated content of my phone. It’s an unfair match.
Memory is a blessing and a curse.
We are born with incredible recall. With that recall comes the ability to learn and not make the same mistake twice, and also the anxiety of worrying about bad things happening again. Watching my children learn is one of the most incredible things I have ever observed. It also makes me realize that my actions and words matter and help impact the way they see the world. The microscope of parenting can be daunting at times.
Social Energy—we are wired to connect and play with others.
Whether it’s at school, camp, or a playground, I love watching my children connect with others. It’s a strong reminder that we are wired to connect with others and the importance of community. Watching smiles and excitement when they make a “best friend” is one of my favorite parts of parenting. May we all continue to bring a 5-year-old excitement to making new connections.
Nurture Nature.
This may be the biggest lesson learned. Prior to having kids, I probably leaned more toward the power of nurture than nature. But after having two kids 14 months apart, I am convinced in the power of nature and its role on our behavior. I am also convinced that my job as a parent is to nurture that nature to help each of my children become their own, unique best.
Boundaries > Balance
Taking on a role like parenting isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s hard damn work. It requires time and energy management. I’ve learned to move away from thinking about “balance” and more toward focusing on boundaries. The truth is none of us are balanced. There’s no seesaw in the game of parenting. It’s not attainable and I’d even argue it’s not healthy to attempt to do so. But I do believe boundaries are essential. They allow us to prioritize what we say yes and no to. Without boundaries in my life, there’s no way I could intentionally lean into the elements of parenting I truly want to be part of.
It’s Not Personal.
My mother-in-law is great at reminding me that my kids are, well, in fact, kids. Sometimes it’s important to have the perspective of knowing that your kids aren’t acting out because of your parenting or because of your actions, sometimes they need to explore the world and act like children in order to learn. It’s not personal. By the way, adults often do the same. I am working on helping my children more than punishing them (and sometimes punishment may be what they need). But my decision-making on how to help them should be based on their growth, not my comfort.
Take Care of Self first. Marriage second. Children third.
I had a client tell me a decade ago that when I have kids, to make sure to take care of the marriage first and the kids second. I didn’t quite understand what she meant then, but I understand it now. It’s hard to focus on a marriage when kids take up so much space in our lives. While I appreciate my client's advice, I’ve since amended it. If we don’t take care of ourselves first, then our marriage will suffer. If our marriage suffers, then the kids suffer. Yet, I find many of us reverse the needed order and find ourselves in a chaotic whirlwind of family dynamics.
By no means have I mastered any of the above. I am very much still trying to figure out parenting and just when I think I understand something, another challenge pops up. It reminds me of the whack-o-mole of golf. Our game is never fully where we want it to be. Striving is essential for parenting, and I am striving to be better.
How about you? What have been your biggest lessons learned? What are you striving to do? I’d love to hear from you.