Don't Compare Scars

Comparing scars is not healthy. It leads to a slippery slope of going tit-for-tat with no productive light at the end of the tunnel. We’ve all been there. You confide in someone about a challenge you are going through, a scar, and they respond to it with what they are going through. A comparison ensues about whether your scar is worse than theirs. It’s not healthy for you or for them. However, acknowledging other’s scars is.

Everybody goes through shit in life. If we live long enough, we will face hardship. It’s just reality. Someone will always have it better than you and someone will always have it worse. Comparing the depth of our scars does us no good. At times, people use comparison to gain perspective—they have it much worse. But even this approach is fickle. We have no idea their perspective of their scar; to assume you or I do often lacks compassion and empathy. Comparing scars gets us in trouble. So, what should we do? First, we have to start with ourselves. What are our scars? What is our relationship with them? Where are we in the healing process? I offer up this three-step framework to examine where you are.

Victim. When something bad happens to us, it’s appropriate and necessary to ask the question, “why me?”. Go ahead. You are a victim. Give yourself space to examine. It could be therapy, journaling, or talking with loved ones. Being a victim isn’t bad, it’s part of the healing process. The key is just to not stay there. When I examine bad things, the answer often comes back to the reality that bad things happen in life, just like good things. Often there is no answer to the “why me” question. By not having a solution, we are often able to move on and accept what happened, which leads to the next part.

Survivor. Cancer Survivor. Rape Survivor. Holocaust Survivor. All of these hardships are brutal. However, staying in victim-mode forever is no way to live. I have seen many of the above come to grips with their tragedy by acknowledging “it is what it is.” The bad thing happened. It’s a truth and it’s not your fault. When we get to acceptance, then we can move to the other part.

Thriver. I once had a client who had survived sexual assault and cancer. It was awful stuff. However, she turned to me one day and said, “Brian, I don’t want to be a survivor, I want to be a thriver.” Man, oh man. It was so inspiring. A thriver says, “watch this!”. They turn their mess into a message. Thriver’s change the world.

This last year has been hard on so many. Whether you have lost loved ones, a job, had increased anxiety, battled Covid, worked from home with kids running around, etc., it’s not worthwhile to compare your scars to others. Is it worthwhile to take the time to have perspective and gratitude for what you do have? Sure. But comparing is a whole different ballgame. Humans are incredibly resilient. We can do hard things. Wherever your scars are, they are your scars. Nobody knows the pain of them but you. If you take time to explore your victim, survivor, and thriver mentalities, then you will be able to use those scars to become stronger. Once you examine yours, then you can hold space and acknowledge others’. Let’s stop comparing scars and start acknowledging them.